


we'll take on the world

by parischangedher



Series: A Very Special Quarantine [2]
Category: NCIS
Genre: F/M, Family, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:13:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25120705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parischangedher/pseuds/parischangedher
Summary: Ziva contends with her anxiety during the coronavirus...with a little help. The second of my A Very Special Quarantine fic series.
Relationships: Ziva David/Anthony DiNozzo
Series: A Very Special Quarantine [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1818118
Comments: 4
Kudos: 33





	we'll take on the world

**Author's Note:**

> I tried to portray this topic as sensitively as I could. I’m sorry in advance for any issues/inaccuracies.
> 
> TW: Anxiety/panic attacks; very brief Somalia mention

The edges of the world grew black as she hastily wiped the sweat from her brow.

Not again, she thought.

Ziva’s heartbeat quickened; she tried to steady her breathing with little success. Looking around in a frenzy, she took in her surroundings in a desperate yet futile act to ground herself. Shoppers with half-covered faces swirled around her. She couldn’t decide whether they were all staring at her, or if she was invisible, simply watching the store’s happenings from above. Maybe it was a little bit of both.

She promised him she’d call if it happened again.

Damn it.

As if on autopilot, she abandoned her shopping cart in the aisle, which had been filled with the contents of their dinner, and bee-lined toward the single-stall bathroom she knew all too well.

She managed to close and lock the door before her legs gave out. Sliding down until her butt hit the floor, she drew her legs up and let her head fall to her knees. 

Tears now streaming down her face, she reached up and tore the dreaded mask from her mouth. Crumpling it up into a ball so tight it could probably injure someone should it make contact, she threw it as far as she could across the dirty tile floor. 

Her hands shook dangerously as she pulled her phone from her pocket, hating herself as she clicked on his name and held the device to her ear. Why could she no longer manage to keep her emotions in check? Why did it always come to this?

It wasn’t that she wasn’t grateful to have him; of course she was. She fought for years to have him. It was the only thing she wanted throughout all of this--besides Tali, which was a given. But she was used to taking care of herself. In her life, she _needed_ to be able to take care of herself. How could she trust herself to take care of her daughter when she could barely handle her own issues? Even still, how could he trust her to do so?

And she had been finally, finally getting better, too.

Damn it.

“Ziva? Ziva?” Tony asked, increasingly concerned at her silence. “Ziva! Are you there?”

“I--yes. Sorry.”

His voice repeatedly calling out to her, once she finally processed it, helped a little to quiet the noise inside her head. 

A little.

“Did it happen again?” he asked softly.

She started to nod before realizing that he couldn’t see her. Though, she suspected he already knew the answer. He always knew.

“Yes.”

“Do you want me to meet you?”

She was silent for a moment, contemplating.

“No. I just...I just need a minute.”

“Ok.”

She closed her eyes and listened closely to his breathing, forcing herself to slow down and match his. His presence was strong, silent but patient as he stayed in that place with her, until she was ready to face the rest of the world again. As only he could do.

“Ok,” she said after several minutes.

“Ok.”

The word had become their own personal code: A way to communicate without saying too much, without voicing things she wasn’t yet able to voice.

They were pros at reading between the lines, after all.

He stayed on the line with her as she rose from the floor, wiping the tears from her cheeks. She discarded her old mask into the trash can and retrieved the spare one from her bag.

She stared it down, sizing it up as if it was a foe in battle. Analyzing its features, its shape, its strengths and weaknesses. She didn’t realize how long she had been doing so until he spoke again.

“Ok?”

She breathed.

“Ok.”

Tugging the mask on, she forced herself to focus on him as she cautiously opened the door and stepped outside. The store had emptied a bit now; her cart was thankfully just as she left it. Drawing determination from her partner, she marched straight to it and then to the register. 

So far, so good.

The clerk working the line she chose to stand in wore a dark, dirty black mask that covered most of his face.

Her breath hitched as the clerk looked on concernedly, hand extended waiting for her credit card.

“It’s ok, Ziva,” she heard in her ear. “You’re ok. I’m right here.”

She forced a smile to the poor man, paid and made it to the car in one piece.

Barely.

“I’m ok, Tony. See you soon.”

\---

“Talk to me, Ziva,” he said quietly as they laid in bed. It was close to 3 a.m., but he knew she hadn’t slept yet. He couldn’t, either, when she was hurting this much.

He stroked her arm softly and turned to his side to face her. 

“What happened today?”

A part of her wanted to pretend that she was sleeping. But, she knew that wasn’t honest or fair to him. Or to herself--to the larger part of herself that needed him to help her breathe again.

Deciding to be brave for the both of them, she switched on the light and turned to her side, mirroring his actions to face him. 

“It’s those damn masks.”

She said it plainly yet in hushed tones, in the hopes that doing so would somehow make it a smaller threat.

He looked on in silent question, giving her the time he knew she needed to elaborate. He took her hand in his and gave it a soft kiss before gently squeezing in encouragement. He rubbed it slowly with his thumb and waited.

“With them on, I feel like I can’t see. I can’t evaluate potential threats. I know there likely aren’t any, but...but still. I can’t see.” 

“It’s dangerous not to see.”

“It is.”

He nodded, searching her eyes for what remained unspoken. He saw the fear in them, and it almost killed him.

“What are the other reasons?”

She averted her eyes to his chest, then, and laid her hand over his beating heart. 

“They remind me of another, much more...serious time I was unable to see.”

Tears started to form again--in her eyes and in his, this time.

“It reminds me of Somalia, Tony. I know it’s not the same, it was a very long time ago, and I can still technically see, and I’m safe, but still. It does. And I hate it.”

He reached forward and pulled her closer, kissing her forehead and stroking her hair.

“I’m sorry, Ziva.”

“I know.”

“Thank you. For telling me.”

“Thank you for listening. And for earlier. I wish I could say it will be the last time.”

“It’s ok,” he said, gently caressing her cheek. “I’m here. Always. And one day, it will be the last time.”

Her silence spoke volumes.

”What?”

“I hope you are right. No, I believe you are right. I do. But until that day comes...I’m not sure I should be out alone with Tali.”

“What?” Tony asked, shocked at her confession. “Ziva. There is no doubt in my mind that if Tali was with you, you would make sure that she was safe, no matter what. Hell, that’s why you started having these moments to begin with. To keep her safe.”

She was tired, and desperately wanted him to be correct. So she relented, and accepted his words as truth. For now.

“Ok,” she said softly. “Thank you, Tony.”

_____

“Ima!” Tali exclaimed as she ran to where her mother had been reading in her bedroom. “Come here!”

“What is it?” she asked, smiling as she placed her worn bookmark carefully in the pages before rising to follow.

Tali grabbed her hand and led the way to the living room, where a crudely-wrapped gift lay on the coffee table. Tony sat near it, waiting for them.

“I have something for you!”

“You do?!” she asked excitedly. She gave Tony a curious look, who just winked at her.

“Yes! Open it!”

“Alright,” she said with a smile as she sat and unwrapped the package.

“My art teacher told us to decorate some, so I made one for you! Abba said you don’t like the others because they’re ugly.”

“Oh wow, Tali. Thank you!”

Tali grinned as Ziva examined the artwork with a touched smile on her face, running her fingers carefully along the edge of the mask. 

She had drawn a picture of herself holding each of her parents’ hands. She labeled each of them--Ima, Tali, and Abba--in typical child-like penmanship. There was a bright yellow sun in the corner, haphazard grass below the names and a mass of pink hearts around the family of three.

Tali beamed as she watched Ziva pick the mask up and give it a soft kiss. She then jumped onto the couch and snuggled into Ziva, throwing her arms around her neck.

“It’s not ugly anymore, right?”

Ziva shook her head dramatically, clicking her tongue as she booped Tali on the nose. “Are you kidding? It is the most beautiful mask I’ve ever seen. I will wear it everywhere.”

She pulled Tali close and kissed her head, gently rubbing her back while finally taking another glance at Tony. Her eyes, now misty, glistened as Tony smiled back, raising his eyebrows playfully.

“Mine is much better than Abba’s, too.”

Tony’s eyes widened in a slight panic.

“What do you mean, Tali?” Ziva asked suspiciously.

“He made one for you too, but mine is more pretty. His is boring.”

Ziva laughed, and Tony looked sheepish.

“Tali, that was going to be a surprise for later.”

“Sorry!” she said cheerily, giving Ziva one last hug before hopping off her and wandering off to her room. “I’m going to make some more.”

When she left, Ziva raised an eyebrow back at him.

“So? You made me a present?”

“I may have.”

“Can I see it?”

He chuckled, now taking his turn to avoid eye contact. “I don’t know; it’s not ready really. I need to check something first.”

“Tony,” she said playfully as she rose and joined him on the chair, legs across his lap. “Please?” she asked, elongating the word and softly kissing his neck. “I really do want to see it.”

He smiled, uncharacteristically shy. 

“Ok.”

He grabbed the parcel from where it lay in the end table drawer and cautiously handed it over. “I’m sorry if it’s not right, I wasn’t sure about it and wanted to go back to the guy and check--”

“Tony,” she cut him off, having already ripped open the package. 

“Is it right? I know it won’t fix everything completely, but I was hoping...”

She smiled and paused for a moment before answering.

“It is...absolutely perfect. Thank you.”

The cloth mask was deep blue. Most of it was plain, earning disdain from their daughter. But, in the bottom right corner, a small and familiar phrase was printed neatly in Hebrew script:

_Aht Lo Leh-Vahd._

“You’re crying again,” he said softly as he thumbed away a tear and wrapped his other arm around her waist. 

She smiled and nodded. “Yes, I am. But for happy reasons this time.”

“Well, I’ll take it, then,” he replied and pulled her in, kissing her softly.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

\---

She wore his mask like armor the next time she went out. 

She kept Tali’s securely in her pocket, as her backup weapon.

It didn’t take away all of her anxiety; nothing but lots of time and therapy would possibly do that.

But, during a global pandemic, around covered faces and rampant fears of illness, she felt something unfamiliar.

She felt safe.


End file.
